you didn’t ask me to the dance. so if you really were looking at me like you were jealous while i was with him, then fuck you. you didn’t ask me to the dance. i don’t know how many times i told your best friend that i wanted to go with you.

i kissed him in the backseat of the car. it was really good.
i fucking hate you still, for some reason.

when we all went out to eat and my date was gone and my best friend who hated you was gone, you went up to me and said, “you didn’t hug me yet.” fuck you. you walked right passed me when you went to my house to say hi to my mother. why would you say that? why would you walk into my house just to say hi to my mother? fuck you, you were texting that girl the whole time anyways, making your date feel uncomfortable.e she only went with you because she couldn’t say no to you. she’s one of my really good friends and the whole night you made her feel uncomfortable.

three days ago my friend told me that one of your best friends told her that you feel more for that girl than you have ever felt for five o’clock in the morning bike ride girl. and more than you have ever felt for me. like four years never mattered. you’re fucking ridiculous. go and have her, go and sit with her at borders, i know you wanted to go to the dance with her, and she couldn’t go for whatever reason, so fuck you.

i had a good time, and only started thinking about you until now.

i had a dream that you told me you weren’t a virgin anymore. not after her, anyways. i woke up and i already forgot it. but i know that while i was dreaming i was so seething mad.

i don;t even know what to say. to you, or you, or even you!
i saw you today. i you came to taylor’s house and you were just there and i was there and so was everyone else, and i we didn’t really say hi or truly acknowledge each other. i don’t know, thirty minutes later we both go towards the computer, and you’re looking at me and say, “how are you?” really nicely, and you stretch open your arms and you hug me very lightly. i smiled, damnit. i did, “i’m fine.” i answer. idiot. i don’t know. we don’t really talk after that, i don’t even look at you half the time. we’re all leaving the house and get otter pops because it’s hot and you’re holding them and handing them out and i can’t decide what to choose, strawberry? grape? i opted for strawberry, even though i now wish i had gotten grape, and i say, “is this strawberry?” and you tell me, “it can be whatever you want it to be!” i want to laugh, and i don’t even look at you, and i’m picturing how your face would probably look if i did and it makes me so sad, because you’re so familiar but such a stranger. you leave and i go home.

so i beg my brother to walk around the neighborhood with me. i want to go see your sisters because i know you’ll be out. and so we’re walking and walking down the sidewalk and i see this guy on a bike and it looks like your bike, but it’s not what you were wearing, and anyways you said you were leaving. we get closer. it is you. you bike over to us, shake my brother’s hand, and hug me again and say, “hi! hahah, again.” and i catch your nice smile, but i don’t look at you. your hug was tighter than the last. it was forceful. i’m hallucinating, but this feeling of “i miss you too” washed over me. like our stars were whispering to each other. anyways, everyone is in your garage and i sit down next to your sister and it’s the same, i swear it is! being in your atmosphere, it’s not awkward and i can relax so easily.. i don’t know. am i being too comfortable? or can you feel it too? it’s just in the air.. i don’t know if it was.. palpable? i hope it was. i want you to be at ease with me. this whole fucking summer, i haven’t.. i miss you.

you’re biking around, your shirt off. i bet you’re doing it on purpose, because you’re such a smug fucking bastard nowadays. i’m so sick of seeing you as a good guy, knowing you’re a jerk deep down.

everyone’s leaving and i get up and you hold your arm out and you give me a half hug, which i didn’t expect because you’ve stopped saying bye to me. i don’t know, it was the air around us, the atmosphere.. did you feel it? or am i bulldozing my walls again.

FUCK I KNOW I’M BULLDOZING MY WALLS AGAIN. i hate this.

LESS THAN A MONTH AND YOU KISSED HER.

FUCK

YOU.

sincerely,

girl who gave you years

a part of me wants him to tell the truth, and another part wants him to tell my truth.

i am one person in six billion. and i am convinced i am the only one who found out who you were. the only one who got that close, it’s so scary that we never realize that we never open ourselves up to anyone but one person. we let them into us. and they can so easily open our hearts and capture us. you end up sharing breaths, and you end up taking some of it away too. and then they’re able to close your heart up. so that you can’t even find it. i should’ve been afraid of you.
but i should’ve fought, i should’ve held on, not help push myself away, the way it happened. i should’ve gotten passed the drama and bullshit you piled up, i should’ve cleaned up the mess. but i was just a crying mess at your feet when you walked away.
one out of six billion and i think i touched your star. you let me, and i let you, and now..