i don;t even know what to say. to you, or you, or even you!
i saw you today. i you came to taylor’s house and you were just there and i was there and so was everyone else, and i we didn’t really say hi or truly acknowledge each other. i don’t know, thirty minutes later we both go towards the computer, and you’re looking at me and say, “how are you?” really nicely, and you stretch open your arms and you hug me very lightly. i smiled, damnit. i did, “i’m fine.” i answer. idiot. i don’t know. we don’t really talk after that, i don’t even look at you half the time. we’re all leaving the house and get otter pops because it’s hot and you’re holding them and handing them out and i can’t decide what to choose, strawberry? grape? i opted for strawberry, even though i now wish i had gotten grape, and i say, “is this strawberry?” and you tell me, “it can be whatever you want it to be!” i want to laugh, and i don’t even look at you, and i’m picturing how your face would probably look if i did and it makes me so sad, because you’re so familiar but such a stranger. you leave and i go home.

so i beg my brother to walk around the neighborhood with me. i want to go see your sisters because i know you’ll be out. and so we’re walking and walking down the sidewalk and i see this guy on a bike and it looks like your bike, but it’s not what you were wearing, and anyways you said you were leaving. we get closer. it is you. you bike over to us, shake my brother’s hand, and hug me again and say, “hi! hahah, again.” and i catch your nice smile, but i don’t look at you. your hug was tighter than the last. it was forceful. i’m hallucinating, but this feeling of “i miss you too” washed over me. like our stars were whispering to each other. anyways, everyone is in your garage and i sit down next to your sister and it’s the same, i swear it is! being in your atmosphere, it’s not awkward and i can relax so easily.. i don’t know. am i being too comfortable? or can you feel it too? it’s just in the air.. i don’t know if it was.. palpable? i hope it was. i want you to be at ease with me. this whole fucking summer, i haven’t.. i miss you.

you’re biking around, your shirt off. i bet you’re doing it on purpose, because you’re such a smug fucking bastard nowadays. i’m so sick of seeing you as a good guy, knowing you’re a jerk deep down.

everyone’s leaving and i get up and you hold your arm out and you give me a half hug, which i didn’t expect because you’ve stopped saying bye to me. i don’t know, it was the air around us, the atmosphere.. did you feel it? or am i bulldozing my walls again.

FUCK I KNOW I’M BULLDOZING MY WALLS AGAIN. i hate this.